This is it, this was the day that The Boy and The Girl had pushed me to the brink of no return. This was the day that I would lovingly call my husband at work and tell him how much we all loved him, but I had to drive the car off this cliff right now. In my daydream of going over the cliff of impending doom, I never really thought out what await us at the bottom. I'd like to think I'm not that disturbed, and that there were a bed of clouds, lollipops, and candy waiting for us. Our luck; however, the candy would contain peanuts and that would open up a whole new bag of issues!
Let me set the scene for you. A lovely February day; snowy, yet sunny. I picked The Boy up from school and took the kids to McDonald's for a nutritious lunch and yet another piece of Made In China shit that I would no doubt step on 30 times that day. Lunch went well. Being the disciplined dietarian (it's a word) that I am, I had only a diet coke, (this will be relevant for later in the story.) After lunch was finished, we headed to our local Public Library.
Upon entering the library, it was as if we were a small portion of the Von Trap family and happily gliding along to the children's section where The Boy and The Girl were perfect angels. The Boy proceeded to his normal US Presidents section, where as The Girl requested a book about Penguins, or Panko's as she calls them. I think, in fact, she may have wanted a book about Japanese bread crumbs, but I can't be too sure. After a while, we checked out our books in the self-checkout, which took the boy about a half hour too long, and proceeded upstairs to the Adult Fiction where my latest James Patterson novel lie....calling out to me. "Jen, come get me...I'm full of murder, mystery and suspense!!" This, my friends, is where the day took the nastiest turn ever.
Upon approaching the stairs, The Boy spotted the DVD section. I calmly told him no, it was Mommy's turn to look at books; however, this meant nothing to a four year old who had Spiderman cartoons in his sight. As I'm arguing with him, The Girl is already half way up the stairs. Now, an unsteady footed two-year-old on marble stairs...not so good. A screaming four year old in a library...even worse! I had a decision to make, it was fourth and goal with a second on the clock. Girl or Boy? I then threw the Boy his Epi-pen and said, "see ya later!" and high-tailed it up the stairs after the Girl. 3.2 seconds later, The Boy was laying on the landing of the stairs, rolling all over (on a dirty, disgusting floor I might add), screaming at the top of his lungs!
My first reaction, is to go scoop him up and put my hand over his mouth, but what would this do? I already looked like the worst parent in the world because my kids are not whispering at the library and patrons are intently working at their computers. Seriously people, it's the middle of the day; get off UTube and get a job! As I contemplated my next move, The Girl was gone! In a flash, she was running up and down the rows of books, pulling off novels as she went. And, at the worst possible moment, I got the shock I wasn't expecting. My lower intestine made a sound that no person should ever hear. At that very moment, my colon was about to implode! What was this? I couldn't understand, I had only had a diet coke! The beads of sweat started to form on my forehead, the cramping and impeding doom was getting worse, and Gosh Damn it, all I wanted was my James Patterson Novel!
The seconds felt like hours, the hours felt like days, I finally grabbed my novel and The Girl. I sat her on the floor and said, "Stay". Which seemed to work, because I'm sure I looked like a raging lunatic at this point; sweaty, frantic, and moving at the speed of light, as was my digestive system. The Boy finally made an appearance after an unprecedented performance of someone help me, my Mommy is the worst; followed by an encore of I don't like you anymore. At this point, the feeling was mutual.
As I threw The Boy next to The Girl, I felt as if I were speaking a million miles an hour and screeching incoherent sentences, which in fact, I was. What in my head sounded like, "we have to go now, mommy doesn't feel well, please get your coats on", was actually like "Get the F*&^& off the floor and move your as*&&(es to the (*&^(*&((*)_*)(&(&^%%#% damn car!!!!" This apparently frightened The Boy, who immediately started crying, so the walk to the car was no less dramatic then his performance inside the library.
Now, I was squeezing my butt cheeks together and power walking to the car while carrying a bag of books, a 30 pound child, and dragging The Boy; I thought to myself, I'm pretty good at multi-tasking. I told The Boy to stay on the sidewalk, but to my surprise, he did not listen. (sense the sarcasm.) I finally, in my white trash Plaintucky voice screamed at him to get in the car. And he did; however he laid on the floor of the backseat, in a midst of goldfish, old french fries, boots, and a questionable substance, and cried. All the while, my stomach is on fire, I'm soaked from sweat and trying to get The Girl buckled up.
F&*$ this, I thought, fine lay on the floor. As I started the car, that is when I had decided today was the day we were cliff jumping, and not in a good way! Of course, I'm kidding; however, for a split second I was pretty sure I had lost complete control and they had finally broke me. But, I got the last laugh. As we turned into the driveway, I said..."you two were horrible in the library, you're staying in the car for the rest of the day!" I turned the car off, ran into the house, and...well you know what I did next. But for that split second while my colon was tearing me a new one, my kids thought they were going to spend the rest of the day in the car!!
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