M-I-C-K-E-Y

And not, 'Oh Mickey you're So Fine', but Mickey as in the Mouse. I was wondering; what state would our society be in if Mickey ruled the world. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be all cupcakes and rainbows, because the rodent ruled land I'm envisioning is one filled with hoplesness and despair. This is not the happy-go-lucky mouse you are used to, but a mouse who rules with an iron fist under that giant white glove. The power would immediately go to his head, he'd have Minnie sold to the human traffic trade, Pluto turned into your next moo-goo gai pan, and Donald would have to wear pants. Oh, the hummanity! The human race would know how to count only to 10 and would have to use the supplied mouseketools to solve problems. Rather than the usual fishing pole, step ladder, and gold coins that his viewers are used to; the three mouseketools would be a scorpion, bull testicles, and an ice pick. It's some cruel version of fear factor and in this horrible, backwards Mouse Land; Joe Rogan would still be host and we would still hate him. Guantanamo would re-open and be an added attraction to Walt Disney World; located in Torture Land, which is right between Meth Land and Your Sister is now a Whore Land, or for you South-Siders; Comiskey. (Ah, thank you; I'll be here all night...tip your waitresses) The prefered form of torture will be to have your eyes pinned open, A Clockwork Orange style, and ride "It's a Small World" over and over. I'd take water boarding over that anyday; who's with me? And lastly, after many unsuccessful assasination attempts, his rule will reign supreme and addmission to Disney will be one gazillion dollars and your first born son. Much like it is now. Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? Well, right now, Mussolini's lookin' pretty good.

From JockStraps to Jazz Hands.

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate, Happy Passover to you those of you who don't...and Happy Monday to everyone else. This Easter started off like any other; egg hunt, breakfast, screaming, no sharing, and that was all before the kids awoke! j/k. It was a great day. We made the rounds to all the family and then at our last stop, my parents house, the unthinkable happened. The Boy has shattered The Dad's world forever. As most three-year-olds' tend to do, The Boy plays with his sister's toys and dolls occasionally. But, on this particular day, at this particular time; what little testosterone The Boy has stockpiled in his short three years had vanished into thin air. As he was playing a kick ass game of Star Wars on the X-Box with his Uncle, The Boy uttered something that all Dads, at that moment, could hear 'round the world. He said, "Uncle, I do not want to play this star wars game anymore, do you have any Princess games?". It was at that time that I saw a look on my husband's face, and I dare say; I never want to see that look again. As if his heart was crushed into a million pieces and someone had ripped off his balls. He has now realized that his son prefers Jazz Hands to Jockstraps. Throughout the evening, The Boy continued on his quest to kill The Dad by playing with Cinderella dolls and toy strollers. Even so far as to put on my shoes, stylish pointy toe black pumps (lovely, if I do say so myself). As The Dad was not amused; I tried to distract The Boy with trucks, cupcakes, DVD's, boobs, but to no avail. I know it's a phase that will soon pass; however, The Dad is now starting to make regular donations to GLADD. All kidding aside; the dress up, the Disney Princess stuff, and the dancing will soon stop...and to The Dad; if you've finally decide to read my blog...this too shall pass & everything will be ok. Also, remember, It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A....

Empty Threats & How to Use Them Effectively.

The Boy is on to me. In hindsight; I should not have let him watch SuperNanny. He has just about as much common sense as a roll of Charmin (if I have to explain that one; look up their tag line)...he has as much common sense as a roll of Charmin, but possesses the intelligence to know that Time Outs are bullshit. He sits quietly, twiddling his thumbs, waiting for the kitchen timer to expire. Walks to me, listens intently with those big blue eyes, says he's sorry, and then goes back to his previous activity of being a shit-head. After the "High-sticking with the Swiffer" time out; I realized, this kid is too damn smart for your run-of-the-mill discipline. I need something threatening, but not too threatening; something new, cutting edge, ahead of it's time....thus emerged, The Empty Threat. It's a simple technique that will allow you to viciously threaten your child with loving acts of violence and he's so caught off guard with the thought of being beaten with his own arms (i really like that one), the laughter ensues and the behavior in question mysteriously goes away. Now this isn't for everyone; if you've ever been incarcerated, are on parole, or have a handle-bar mustache; you should not attempt this...it may be seen as hostile. Following a few easy steps; you too can learn to use empty threats effectively. Deliver the threat in a clear, domineering manner, if you laugh...it's over! Approach the subject as if you're going to follow through on threat; I like to actually begin to bite his toe so that he thinks it's real. And thirdly, the more ridiculous the better. Studies show that the use of absurd, empty threats increases test scores, will end world hunger, and scars your child's relationships with all future authority figures. All in all, a good choice. Good luck practicing these techniques, and I look forward to the future generation we are creating. ***no toes were actually bitten in the making of this blog.

Two Kids = Easy Street for Mommy, Right??

When I found out I was pregnant with The Girl, my first thought was Holy Shit! But, after that wore off and the hormone highs started to make me blissfully happy, I was like this is Awesome! (For those of you "How I Met Your Mother Fans", I said Awesome as Barny Stinson would; in a high pitched, drawn out singing voice.) Anywho, I thought, they'll be so close in age that there will come a day when the moons will align, mermaids will dance with princes, and The Boy and Girl will keep eachother occupied so that I won't have to do anything! While there are mermaids on land, apparently Boy and Girl will not keep eachother entertained . It's always something like, "mommy she hit me...", "mommy, she took my toys...", kicking, hitting, pushing, and other various forms of combat that I'm pretty sure are illegal in 30 states. I've repeatedly told them the first rule of fight club, but they still complain. Then there's the "mommy, I'm hungry...", "mommy, wipe my butt...", "mommy, untie me and get me out of the closet!" Seriously, it was a regulation game of hide and go seek, I just used international rules, which The Boy was not fully aware of. In closing, for all of you mommies who are preggers with #2, and think that at some point your children will be the best of friends; who will knit sweaters together, frolic in the flowers, and promote world peace....you're going to be extremely dissapointed.