Leave the Gun, Take the Cannolis...

Ever wonder what kids talk about at daycare all day? I do. My kids are at home; however, many of my friends children are in daycare. And I wonder, what goes on there all day, how do these kids interact with each other with their limited vocabulary and awkward social skills. Then it occurred to me, it’s probably like la Cosa Nostra.


There’s the Boss, Underboss, Captains, Soldiers and the Consigliere. Of course, these formal titles are different in toddler terms; Big Cheese, Little Cheese, etc… The quiet kid who rocks back and forth in the corner would be the consigliere, because he’s really good with math.

I imagine all the Captains running around collecting snacks from their earners to kick up to the Big Cheese, in return there will be no bullying or wet willies given on the playground. Those who don’t earn are subjected to intimidation techniques from the soldiers, which may include: a doll head in their nap cot, the batteries removed from their Nintendo DS, and informal sit downs where someone ends up sleeping with the goldfishes.

These kids have to prepare for situations out in the world beyond daycare. It has to be survival of the fittest and the mafia family structure is perfect for coming out on top. A note to new kids; when you arrive on your first day, find the biggest kid there and pull their hair. It’s just like prison; you gotta show them you’re not afraid. Well, not just like prison, I imagine the showers are a little smaller………and safer.

Big Cheese would hold meetings in which the daycare goers would ask for favors, not unlike the wedding scene in The Godfather. Such things requested would be protection from bullies, less vegetables at lunch time; and the ever popular, more glue to eat.

I don’t want The Girl and The Boy to fall behind or feel left out of this hierarchy of life, so at home The Husband and I are grooming them for the life of La Cosa Nostra. They are constantly watching Sopranos reruns, forced to slice garlic paper thin, and practice the art of carefully lining a diaper with cocaine. We frequently drop them off in less safe neighborhoods with only a shank and a flashlight. The day they finally find their way home, we’ll know they’ll be ready for whatever life is going to throw their tiny way.

The Life I'm Accustomed To

Lack of sleep and parenting come hand in hand. We all have those mornings where we are zombies, the walking dead; the difference is some of us have to go out into the real world and function. Go out and interact with other adults; object to motions, preside over meetings, arrest people and keep law and order, and other countless tasks. Not me! I get to stay home and good thing, my lack of sleep causes me to slur my speech and slows my motor skills to the bare min; yet, in a toddler controlled household this is perfect!

I do, however, also do the things adults do, just in my jammies. I object to my toddlers’ constant whining, I preside over play-dates, meals, and arts & crafts. I arrest in two ways: cardiac and citizens’. (The cardiac arrest comes from my love of McDonalds!)

After 5 years of being a stay-at-home-mom, I don’t think I could integrate back into the adult workforce. I’m not sure I remember how a blow dryer or curling-iron work! Random, fluorescent colored hair bows and barrettes would not go over well in the workplace, nor would my half painted nails and the playdoh that has set up camp underneath them.

I’ve also forgotten how to read, unless it’s an ABC book, and I’ve forgotten how to write with a utensil that is not of Crayola brand. [Note to Crayola, develop a line of adult office supplies.] I would not be able to manage pouring coffee for people unless it was into a sippy cup, or get them food for fear that I would cut it up for them. (I have high expectations for my career after children, don’t I?)

And my brain doesn't allow me to communicate using large sentences, we’re used to three or four word commands here; ‘Go get your shoes’, ‘Go to your room’, ‘Get Mommy’s Wine’, things like that. How would that work in the outside world? ‘License and Registration’, ‘Stick ‘Em Up’, ‘Freeze Sucka’….oh wait, I could be a cop!

And where would I find stretchy, elastic waist work clothing? Unless I’m going to be a P.E. teacher, I don’t think it would fly. I need my Tees and sweats people. It’s what I’ve become accustomed to. Lucky for The Husband, if we were ever to get divorced, the life I’ve become accustomed to is that of a homeless person, so maintenance payments would be ‘nil.

As much as I miss human interaction with the outside world, I’m perfectly happy being a sahm, we’re a little community all our own. We even have secret handshakes, meetings, and clothing. Just kidding, except for the clothing part; we can spot each other from a mile away, sweatpants, two different socks, and a baseball hat.

I Want It Now!!

Are you over the age of 30? Do you remember as kids when we had to wait? Wait for what, you ask? Well, everything! Wait for Saturday mornings to watch cartoons. Wait for a song to play on the radio so that you could tape it, hoping the DJ wouldn’t talk over the whole intro. Wait in line for concert tickets all night, because there was no ticketmaster.com? Or wait for your turn to watch TV, use the one telephone in your house, to receive things in the mail. I do, and I’ve been trying to explain it to The Boy; however, he just looks at me like I’m an idiot as he plays his Leapster and listens to his IPod.

My findings as a parent, regarding this overabundance of technologies in our home have been littered with pros and cons. Who doesn’t need to throw Dora on to catch a break? I know I do, and often! But now, my kids ask…No…demand for things and expect them in a flash. Find a song on the IPod, put in this DVD, and just look online for the new toy I have to have. Gimme snacks, attention, books, toys, love, affection, etc…. I just can’t serve them fast enough. One of The Girls favorite words is “NOW!”

And it occurred to me, they are going to expect this kind of treatment out in the real world; and fly off the handle when they don’t get something immediately! You know, have real, hardcore, Orson Welles worthy rants when they don’t get what they want. I can’t have this, it’s just not acceptable!

How do we teach patience and moderation in a world littered with unlimited technology, immediate response, and overabundance? Move to a farm? Cut them off completely? I know the super-moms will argue everything in moderation, but when you live in a society where there is no moderation, how do you come out ahead? This one’s gonna puzzle me for a while. But, in the meantime, I have to go download the latest Kidz Bop album for The Boy, consult WebMd about a suspicious substance coming out of The Girl’s nose, check the news feed on Facebook, and order dinner to be delivered to my door in under 30 minutes. Man, I wonder where my kids get this need for instant gratification from?!