Leave the Gun, Take the Cannolis...

Ever wonder what kids talk about at daycare all day? I do. My kids are at home; however, many of my friends children are in daycare. And I wonder, what goes on there all day, how do these kids interact with each other with their limited vocabulary and awkward social skills. Then it occurred to me, it’s probably like la Cosa Nostra.


There’s the Boss, Underboss, Captains, Soldiers and the Consigliere. Of course, these formal titles are different in toddler terms; Big Cheese, Little Cheese, etc… The quiet kid who rocks back and forth in the corner would be the consigliere, because he’s really good with math.

I imagine all the Captains running around collecting snacks from their earners to kick up to the Big Cheese, in return there will be no bullying or wet willies given on the playground. Those who don’t earn are subjected to intimidation techniques from the soldiers, which may include: a doll head in their nap cot, the batteries removed from their Nintendo DS, and informal sit downs where someone ends up sleeping with the goldfishes.

These kids have to prepare for situations out in the world beyond daycare. It has to be survival of the fittest and the mafia family structure is perfect for coming out on top. A note to new kids; when you arrive on your first day, find the biggest kid there and pull their hair. It’s just like prison; you gotta show them you’re not afraid. Well, not just like prison, I imagine the showers are a little smaller………and safer.

Big Cheese would hold meetings in which the daycare goers would ask for favors, not unlike the wedding scene in The Godfather. Such things requested would be protection from bullies, less vegetables at lunch time; and the ever popular, more glue to eat.

I don’t want The Girl and The Boy to fall behind or feel left out of this hierarchy of life, so at home The Husband and I are grooming them for the life of La Cosa Nostra. They are constantly watching Sopranos reruns, forced to slice garlic paper thin, and practice the art of carefully lining a diaper with cocaine. We frequently drop them off in less safe neighborhoods with only a shank and a flashlight. The day they finally find their way home, we’ll know they’ll be ready for whatever life is going to throw their tiny way.